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The Gospel of Daniel
The book contains fragments of what I have called 'The Join Me Gospel'. I say Gospel because it quite obvious mimics bible verse, and I say fragments because the numbers of the verses don't quite run smoothly together. Potentially this is 'The Book of Joinees' proposed by Joinee Jonathan, but I cannot find any source reference in the book. In any case, it is far from a complete version. The Fragments of the Join Me Gospel * Chapter One 1. In the beginning was the Word. 2. And the word was There. * Chapter Two 6. It came to pass that Daniel entered the land of the Swittish, wherein were gathered a multitude of his elders and kinsmen. 7. And they lifted up their voice with instruments of musick, with cymbals, psalteries, and with harps. 8. And it was a day of gladness and feasting, and a good day. * Chapter Three 10. Hanne took great indignation, and her face did gather blackness. 11. So Daniel fell on his face and offered tithes of grain. 12. And there was a calm. * Chapter Four 1. In the year one thousand nine hundred seventy and six was born to the family of Jones a son; and his name was Christian. 2. And he was to become the First. * Chapter Five 5. And it came to pass in an eveningtide that Daniel walked upon the great path of wisdom and understanding. 6. And beside the path he laid a stone tablet where-upon he wrote his covenant. 7. And a great multitude saw his words and were delivered unto him. * Chapter Six 97. And even there were fourscore and seventeen. 96. And even there were fourscore and eighteen. 97. And even there were fourscore and nineteen. *'Chapter Seven' 14. Let him that hath understanding count the number on his shoulder: for the number is PC Six Hundred Threescore and Six. * Chapter Eight - * Chapter Nine 11. Daniel did bring forth bread, and cheese of kine. 12. And Daniel laid the cheese upon the bread, and placed them in the oven. 13. And presently out of the oven issued fire and brimstone, and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and verily, the kitchen did quake mightily. * Chapter Ten 1. In the fiftieth year of the reign of Elizabeth queen of Britons, Daniel went forth to the land of Scotia. 2. And there he beheld a great temple, and before it a priest. 3. And the priest spake unto Daniel, saying, Hear ye the Leper Messiah, and hearken to the Phantom Lord. 4. And Daniel was astonished, and said, How canst though preach such iniquity? 5. And the priest answered, saying, Och, well, perhaps you should start with some of their earlier stuff. Like ‘Ride The Lightening’. Now that’s vintage Metallica, that is. 6. When he had spoken these things the priest wrought lewdness; and Daniel was filled with fear. 7. But the priest gave Daniel provision, and shelter, and it was good. 6. And at the cockcrowing Daniel went on his way. * Chapter Eleven 16. And Estelle the Parisian was very wroth, and her countenance fell. 17. And Daniel said unto Estelle, Why art thou wroth? And why is thy countenance fallen?. 18. And Estelle said, Intendest thou not to bless the female stricken in age as thou blesseth the male stricken in age?. 19. And Daniel lowered his eyes and was speechless without all hope of life. * Chapter Twelve 2. And Haley Joel Osment spake unto them, saying, This is me, and this is three other people, and I’m going to help them. 3. And the multitude were aggrieved, and put their fingers in their throats. * Chapter Thirteen 1. And it came to pass that the words of Daniel were heard by a second Daniel, son of Ander. 2. And Daniel - nay, but the other one - was mending a chariot brought out from the land of the Ikeans. * Chapter Forteen 22. And Daniel wept, and howled with bitterness of heart. 23. Then he returned unto his place. * Chapter Fifteen 1. After these things Daniel sojourned heretofore in Greece, and came upon seven princes from the north. 2. And these seven princes were minded to know seven comely daughters of Barnsley, who also were gathered there. 3. But the princes were abashed. * Chapter Sixteen 9. And, behold, the words of Daniel reached a damsal of fiery seasoning, not red and yet not brown. 10. And the damsel did give ear, and was beguiled. * Chapter Seventeen 15. Then Daniel met with Annalies, an exceeding beautiful maiden whose height was threscore cubits. * Chapter Eighteen - * Chapter Nineteen 6. Now Daniel's knees smote one against the other, for his cogitations much troubled him. 7. But there was a letter sent unto him by Kathleen of Veen. 8. And the letter held goodly pleasant things, and words of peace and truth. 9. And Daniel made a joyful noise. * Chapter Twenty 5. And, lo, the words of Daniel were heard in London; and in the shire of the Hamps; and in the shire of the Berks. * Chapter Twenty One 10. And so the army of Daniel was swelled by folks of divers complexions, from every city and province. 11. So long as they were pale. * Chapter Twenty Two 1. In those days Daniel entered into a winged chariot and journeyed to the land of Holl. 2. There he made smooth the hairs upon his lip. 3. When he had done this he departed thence. * Chapter Twenty Three 26. Happy is the man that locketh his drawers; for he shall prolong his days. * Chapter Twenty Four 3. A cold north wind did blow; and the water was congealed into ice, and Daniel trembled in nakedness. 4. And Daniel was almost lost. 5. But Hanne the Norwegian had pity upon Daniel, and did fashion for him a coat of many colours from the hair of her beard. * Chapter Twenty Five 10. Then Daniel consorted with Paal, son of Peder, a soothsayer and a mighty man of wealth. * Chapter Twenty Six 4. And Sophie of Bruges offered Daniel a cup filled with tea. 5. And Daniel took up the tea and was thankful, saying, Thanks. * Chapter Twenty Seven 18. Then those over whom Daniel had dominion, who were called Join-ees, did each divide their first-born into four parts. '' ''19. And three parts did they cast away. * Chapter Twenty Eight 5. And Daniel cried, Hearest thou not, Swiss? * Chapter Twenty Nine 11. And Daniel said, Peradventure shall Join Me be called instead Join Him. * Chapter Thirty - * Epilogue 28. And here shall be an end. 29. Or shall there be?